When I was 19 or 20, or whatever age it is I wish I was stuck at, I set up a group called “My Top Hate”, a hilarious pun on “My Top 8”, a MySpace facility in which you listed your eight best friends. (Quite why MySpace decided that best friends were best restricted to groups of eight is anybody’s guess.) And so, in an effort to toughen up my increasingly soft attitude towards most things and to lay to rest the idea that anyone really cares about each other’s long-winded list-making, I’ve decided that the theme of my 25 things about me will be hatred. And let these be the final word on this particular trend.
1. I hate that I have to pay tax. And for the record, tax does have to be taxing.
2. I hate that I have blisters round the right corner of my mouth from where I brushed my teeth using a trendy old-fashioned toothpaste I got in a trendy old-fashioned New York hotel, and then was so tired I didn’t wipe my mouth properly, dribbled all night long and subsequently burnt my own face with my toxic saliva.
3. I hate that I can only ever manage to consume an inch of coffee.
4. I hate that I know most lyrics to Robbie Williams songs off by heart, but very few by Dr Dre, even though I look up Dre on YouTube daily to practise Still Dre so that I can wow people at karaoke. I’m sure/hope I had abandoned casting my eye over Robbie’s CD cases by the age of 14.
5. I hate that I get nervous about public speaking when that’s basically what I do for a living.
6. I hate that Janet Jackson lied, because the best things in life aren’t free. Just look at Chanel.
7. I hate that I’m rushing this list so I can go out to watch a band I’ll probably hate.
8. I hate that I am forever buying stationery and yet never have anything to write on, or with.
9. I hate that I just had to look up how to spell “stationery” without it meaning I’m standing still, especially because I was right the first time.
10. I hate that I’m worried you’ll think this column is incredibly childish.
11. I hate people who mix up “their” and “there” and “too” and “to” in text messages.
12. I hate that I love America’s Next Top Model.
13. I hate bright colours.
14. I hate being told what to do.
15. I hate that I hate people who wear fur even though I am happy to wear leather.
16. I hate that by this point the word “hate” has become less powerful, because I really mean it. When I say I hate red lipstick, it’s too obvious.
17. I hate that I can’t balance a cat on my shoulder while riding a bike, like I saw a woman doing in Paris last week.
18. I hate that I still can’t speak fluent French, or any French which is actually useful. The only word I can usually remember is poubelle.
19. I hate that all anybody talks about at the moment is Slumdog Millionaire or the credit crunch.
20. I hate that I’m struggling to think of five more.
21. I hate the Eighties.
22. I hate being cold but I always, always am.
23. I hate that one of my favourite films is 10 Things I Hate About You.
24. I hate that hairdressers always lie about how much they’ll take off.
25. I hate that my pants never match my bra
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